Behind the Scenes: A Harry Potter story
by sauciewench85
Summary: Ever wonder what the Harry potter characters think about what JK writes? well this story lets you know. Read please
1. Sirius' big mistake

Behind the Scenes- Harry Potter and the Philosopher's Stone.  
  
By: Lena Lovely  
  
Author's notes: This is a product of my warped mind and watching too much VH1's Behind the music. I'm re-reading the Harry Potter books and I'm wondering "What was happening when JK was writing this?" Like the characters are real people and she's using them in her story. This is purely the product of my warped mind and my friend's encouraging my warped- ness. Let me know what you think.  
  
Warnings: For you Slash lovers they're might be slash, for you hetero lovers there might be hetero.  
  
Disclaimer: These characters are not mine and nor do I claim them as such. I am in no way making money off of this. *looks at the lawyers* was that good enough *the lawyers nod and walk off*  
  
Author's Thank yous: Thanks to VMorticia13 for betaing this for me! Enjoy ^~^  
  
~^^~^^~^^~^^~^^~  
  
"WHAT DO YOU MEAN WE/THEY DIE?!" Three angry voices shouted from a remote classroom in certain school.  
  
"There's no need to shout." a calm voice said.  
  
"But why the hell do we have to die?" a female voice said.  
  
"Because it'll make Harry stronger in the end." the calm voice from before said  
  
"That's complete and utter bull shit Joanne. Where's he gonna go?" one male voice said  
  
Joanne Kathleen Rowling, Founder of the W&WAG (Witch and Wizard Acting Guild) and member of the super secret organization that watches all wizards and witches and knows everything about everyone, glared at the long black haired man.  
  
"Listen Sirius. You're really getting on my last nerve." Joanne said calmly  
  
"Sirius Calm down. We're mad about this too, but you don't need to shout." the red haired women said soothingly.  
  
"Thank you Lily. Now there is a reason for this. I just can't tell you it right now." Joanne said calmly.  
  
"That's because you don't know!" Sirius exclaimed. Joanne glared and wrote a note on her notepad ~Do something terrible to Sirius.~  
  
"Is there any other way to do this?" the man with glasses said.  
  
"Sorry James this is the way it has to be. Now if you'll excuse me I need to go talk to Albus and Minerva." Joanne smiled sweetly at them and stood up. She walked out the door and down a hall.  
  
She thought with a smile on her face.  
  
~*~  
  
"MUGGLES?!" Sirius screamed.  
  
"He's making my head hurt." Joanne whined rubbing her forehead. She waved her wand and a big bottle of aspirin appeared. A man with greasy black hair snickered behind her, "Shut up Severus."  
  
"What? It's funny." Severus said.  
  
Sirius is still ranting.  
  
"The boy is MY GODSON! Why can't I TAKE CARE OF HIM!?!" he shouted. "I'm alive and well."  
  
"I THOUGHT I TOLD YOU THERE WAS NO NEED TO SHOUT!" Joanne yelled. Molly Weasley jumped with surprise and Arthur Weasley tried not to laugh at the shocked look on Sirius' face.  
  
"I just think you royally screwed me over." Sirius said.  
  
"If you only knew." Severus muttered.  
  
"What's that suppose to mean?" Sirius asked as someone knocked on the door.  
  
Joanne smiled, "Severus can you get that?" she asked. Severus opened the door and two hooded figures floated in. "Ah Bob and Phil. It's a pleasure to see you again."  
  
"Wh-what are they doing here?" Sirius stammered.  
  
"Well you see you broke the cardinal rule and pissed me off." Jo said sweetly. "And now you pay the price."  
  
"AZKABAN?! Come on Jo. You know I didn't mean it." Sirius pleaded.  
  
"Too late." Jo said simply, "Boys." she motioned to the two hooded figures. They walked towards Sirius and closed in and grabbed him.  
  
"Let me go you soul-sucking son of a-" The end of Sirius's insult was cut off by the door shutting.  
  
"You are evil." Severus said.  
  
"Hey, I'm a writer." Jo answered.  
  
-----  
  
TBC  
  
What do you think? Should I keep going? Let me know! 


	2. The Confrence

Behind the Scenes-Philosopher's Stone- Chapter 2: The Conference.  
  
By: Lena Lovely  
  
Author's Note: 12 reviews in less then 24 hours! Sweet. This chapter covers from chapters 2-5 of Harry Potter and the Philosopher's stone. Lot of chapters to cover but hey it has to be done  
  
Warnings: Slash-y and hetero hints this chapter.  
  
Disclaimer: Don't own 'em. And the blood sucking vermin wouldn't leave me alone 'til I say that.. And those leeches are getting annoying too ((Lawyer joke people))  
  
Author's Thank yous-  
  
fetons-babe- Thanks my beta thought it was funny too.  
  
DerekDrew- Knowing that my story was so funny I almost caused bodily harm gives me a warm fuzzy feeling. (Just kidding. Don't hurt yourself because of me)  
  
XxDragon_AngelxX-I'm writing, I'm writing.  
  
PussyKat-I think I'll leave you hanging.. Ok I may be a hanus bitch but I'm not that much of one. Here's more  
  
WingsoftheDragon aka Minossi- Thank you, I try to be funny. But sometimes my jokes are greeted by crickets  
  
Policia- More.. What? You told me to write more so I did.  
  
piedermorts*Bodyguard- I'm writing more.. See there it is. come on it's a joke people!  
  
Angelina Granger- Thank you for boosting my ego  
  
Dadsbabygurl312- Thanks for your review. I created this chapter for you. See Harry, Ron, Hermione, And Draco all were babies in the first chapter so they couldn't exactly voice their opinions. Hagrid makes an appearance in this chapter and Voldemort makes an appearance in a later chapter. I plan to do a-Behind the scenes for each book so I'm not stopping yet.  
  
The Rica- I had to read your review a second time. I thought you meant there were sexual innuendoes in my fic. I was thinking "Not until chapter two." *giggles* I'm ok, just hyper.  
  
may Liz-I'm going on!  
  
Muskrat-As you Wish.  
  
A-Since you asked so nicely  
  
Crystal Lightning-Thank you  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~THANK YOU TO MY REVIEWERS!!!!*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~  
  
Side Note: this chapter is 10 years after chapter one. So Harry, Ron, Hermione, Draco, ect. are now all 11 there for will be able to voice their opinions on their parts now.  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~  
  
In an empty conference room Joanne Rowling sat in a high backed chair, looking much too much like an evil villain for ANYONE to be comfortable with, watching the clock.  
  
she thought as she rocked back and forth in her chair. ((It's one of those swivel chairs that will let you rock back and forth in it)) The door burst open and Harry Potter (now 11 years old) stormed in.  
  
"Hello Harry Dear." Jo said sweetly, "Something the matter?"  
  
"You know bloody well what's the matter. You stuck me with crappy people who starve me!" Harry snapped.  
  
"Call it a character building technique Dear." Jo said sweetly.  
  
"Bull shit!" Harry yelled.  
  
"You have to admit trapping your cousin and setting loose a snake was cool."  
  
"Yea but after that they shoved me into a closet for two weeks!"  
  
"I think it was longer than that."  
  
"THIS FUCKING SUCKS!" Jo blinked. She had no idea Harry knew this kind of language. she thought.  
  
"Such foul language. you must be punished." She writes a note on her note pad.  
  
"Wait, I didn't mean, come on Jo!" Harry pleaded.  
  
"Sorry."  
  
"I still say this sucks!" Harry yelled sitting down in the farthest chair away from Jo. Jo smiled sweetly. Her watch beeped and she stood up. The Dursleys filed in, shooting Jo nervous looks, and sat down.  
  
"Alright now that my key players are here we can begin to discuss chapter Four."  
  
"What about them?" Petunia asked.  
  
"We have some new characters coming into play in chapter three and I want you to meet them." She presses a buzzer that they didn't see before, "Dolores."  
  
"Yes Ms. Rowling." A girlish voice answers.  
  
"Please send in Rubeus."  
  
"Yes M'am." After a brief pause the door opens revealing a HUGE man with a huge black beard.  
  
"Everyone, Please meet Rubeus Hagrid. He'll be the grounds keeper at Hogwarts. He's a Friend of Albus." Jo said.  
  
"Hello all." The giant said sweetly, "I'm Rubeus A. Hagrid and it'll be a pleasure working with you."  
  
"Hello Hagrid." Petunia and Vernon said. Dudley waved and Harry smiled at him.  
  
"Everyone introduced? (they all nod at this) Great go out there and have some fun." Everyone stands and leaves. Jo leans back in her chair.  
  
I she thought smiling evilly.  
  
^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^The next Day*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*  
  
"Great chapters Jo. I love them" Harry said happily the next morning. Jo didn't have enough time to answer before Hagrid stormed in, mad as hippo with a hernia.  
  
"YOU HAVE THE AUDASITY TO MAKE MY CHARACTER SOUND LIKE SOME COMMON IDIOT!" Hagrid yelled. Jo blinked up at him calmly  
  
"Hagrid we will have complaints AFTER the meeting. Now I want you to meet two new characters that appear in chapter five." She pressed that mysterious buzzer again and two people walk in.  
  
"I'd like to introduce Draco Malfoy and Olivander. Albus introduced me to Olivander and Draco is my godson. Now in this chapter.." Harry's mind began to wander as he looked at the blonde Adonis that just walked into the room.  
  
Meanwhile in a certain blonde Adonis's brain the same thoughts were passing.  
  
"Now is everyone clear? (they all nod) very well. The new chapter is waiting for you outside. go have fun." Jo said happily.  
  
They all stood to leave. Harry and Draco looked at each other and they both walked to the door. Once there they paused and looked at each other. Harry extended his hand.  
  
"Harry Potter." he said.  
  
"Draco Malfoy." Draco replied taking Harry's hand in his. They shook each other's hand and stared at each other.  
  
"Hem Hem." came from the left of them. They both turned and looked at Jo.  
  
"Don't you two have a chapter to read?" Draco and Harry blushed slightly and left the room. Jo smiled sadly.  
  
she thought as she sat back in her chair.  
  
@#@#@#  
  
TBC!  
  
Sorry this took so long to get out. Work and me being sick got in the way. *Sighs* life's not fair. So I'm saying this now. I hope to update every Sunday (that's when my favorite stories are updated and I'd rather be reading the writing).  
  
What are you waiting for REVIEW! 


	3. In the mind of a writer

Behind the Scenes Chapter Three: One Meaning Behind The Name Death Eater.  
  
By Lena Lovely  
  
Don't Own, Don't Ask, Don't Sue, Don't Tell  
  
Rating: PG-13 (for my very, very crude sense of humor. that's all Sarah's fault *Grins*)  
  
THANK YOU TO YOU ALL! *KISS KISS* LOVE YOU ALL (especially my beta Sarah)  
  
*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*  
  
Behind the Scenes Chapter Three: One Meaning Behind The Name Death Eater.  
  
By Lena Lovely  
  
Don't Own, Don't Ask, Don't Sue, Don't Tell  
  
Rating: PG-13 (for my very, very crude sense of humour. that's all Sarah's fault *Grins*)  
  
THANK YOU TO YOU ALL! *KISS KISS* LOVE YOU ALL (especially my beta Sarah)  
  
*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*  
  
It was a normal night for our writer friend Joanne. And that's why we find Jo sitting in her office making a few corrections on the latest chapter.  
  
"Nope- um nope- that's gotta go- I don't th- JESUS CHRIST!" Jo jumped two feet in the air as a pale hand touched her shoulder. She spun around, ready to tear who ever scared her a new asshole, when she saw who it was "Lucius Malfoy." she said with a smirk.  
  
"My, My Jo-Jo you are a bit jumpier than I remember." Lucius said in his cool calm voice.  
  
"Well when you're a writer like me you tend to be jumpy when people JUMP OUT AT YOU FROM THE SHADOWS!" Jo said, "and don't call me Jo-Jo." she added.  
  
"Sorry, Jo." He said sitting down next to her. Jo sat back in her chair and smiled at Lucius.  
  
"What's wrong now Lucius?" she asked.  
  
"Why would anything be wrong?" he asked.  
  
"Well considering the last time we spoke was when you found out I was writing this twisted story that wasn't about you're precious little Draco. Who, I might add, is a lot cuter than I remember." Jo asked.  
  
"Thinking naughty thoughts about my 11 year old?" Lucius asked.  
  
"Now Lucius we both know who has naughty thoughts about-"  
  
"Shut up." Lucius cut off. Jo grinned. "Alright Jo. I noticed that Draco is hardly mentioned at all, until the train."  
  
"He's mentioned in the robe store." Jo commented.  
  
"But not in name." Lucius noted.  
  
"Picky, picky Mr. Malfoy. as usual." She paused as if in thought. "Alright Lucius. Since you aren't gonna leave me alone I guess I can give Draco some more parts. But only because he's my godson." Lucius smiled and stood. He walked over to Jo and kisses her cheek.  
  
"Thank you Ms. Rowling."  
  
"Oh go now before I do naughty things to you." She said. He laughed and Apparated out of her office. She sighed and began doodling obscene pictures of Lucius.  
  
"Horrible aren't they." A voice said behind her.  
  
"They're so demanding." she said.  
  
"Poor Joanne. You should go where you're talents would be more appreciated." The voice said again.  
  
"You know you're." She paused and turned her chair around. "JESUS FUCKING CHRIST!" she screamed seeing the snake like face of Lord Voldemort. "Tom, DO NOT sneak up on me like that."  
  
"Sorry Jo." he said, trying to hide his smile.  
  
"DO NOT sneak up on a women like that.how the hell did you get that mirror there anyway?"  
  
"I had Lucius put it in." he said. "I need to speak with you."  
  
"Where's Quirrell?"  
  
"Sleeping. Dolt left his mind open so I took over the body. ANYWAY, I was wondering if you reconsidered-"  
  
"I don't think it's going to happen Tom."  
  
"Why not?  
  
"Because I don't like grovelling and I know you'll try and get me to kill Harry in book one." She said with a smile.  
  
"Those facts aside, you have great potential and you should go where you're more appreciated." Tom gave her a pleading look.  
  
"No Tom."  
  
"There has to be a reason."  
  
"You really want to know the reason?" She asked spinning in her chair.  
  
"Yes very much so." she smirked and stood up. She walked over to the mirror and whispered in a low voice to Lord Voldemort.  
  
--------------  
  
"YOU TOLD HIM WHAT?!" Severus Snape asked Jo as he was visiting her the following morning.  
  
"I told him my reason for not wanted to be a Death Eater." she said simply sipping her coffee.  
  
"That's not what I mean Jo and you know it." She smiled.  
  
"I know. I just love seeing you get all pissy when I don't tell you anything." He glared at her. the glare he normally saves for the likes of Neville Longbottom and Harry Potter. Only it wasn't working on her.  
  
he thought.  
  
"Ok Jo. Tell me what you told him again."  
  
"I simply told him I wouldn't like to be a Death Eater because of the name."  
  
"And what did he say?"  
  
"He asked me why. I told him that the name implies certain things. He asked 'like what' I said 'Well everyone looks at you and thinks about death and the last part could mean your servants do certain things to you.' he gave me a disgusted look and vanished." she finished with a smile.  
  
"So. you basically told him that you wouldn't be a Death Eater because you think that you'll have to give him blow-jobs?" Severus asked.  
  
"Yes." She batted her eyelashes innocently.  
  
"I'll never be able to look at the man the same way again." Severus mumbled.  
  
"Hey it was either that or tell him I wouldn't like being called a Shit Eater behind my back." She said smiling.  
  
"Jo, you're mind is a strange place."  
  
"And I'm happy to live there everyday."  
  
--------------------  
  
TBC  
  
OK I need help for the next chapter. I don't know who to include in it. Because the next chapter has A LOT of new characters in it. So you have these choices.  
  
Hermione and Ron ask Jo about their parts.  
  
Crabbe and Goyle get all uppity about their parts  
  
Neville, Dean, And Seamus have a few words.  
  
Or more Harry and Draco complaining?  
  
Also I'd like some feed back on this chapter. I was writing it while I was sick so it was kind of hard to type and throw up at the same time. I need to know if it was good or not (I have semi-low self esteem)  
  
LOVE AND SKITTLES (REVIEW PLEASE!) 


	4. AN

MY very first author's note for this story (Hopefully my last one)   
  
Tiny Note  
  
Due to writers block and   
  
my busy work/school sheudal i won't be updating for a little bit.   
  
BUT I WILL UPDATE!   
  
I just want to get the next few chapters written before i update.   
  
I WILL NOT LET YOU DOWN!  
  
Lena  
  
PS: Keep sending me ideas for furture chapters  
  
I LOVE YOU ALL!!!!! 


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